Awareness

Drifting in and out of slumber, a feeling I'm only too familiar with. Disconnected. Just the body moving throughout the day, and the mind focusing on the tasks at hand. It's not easy to constantly be aware of things. It does take some effort at least, to think, to know, to truly feel.

Not sure whats the proper word for this feeling, its somewhat robotic. Periods of disconnection came regularly with mood swings too. Something was wrong. I wasn't happy. Or it was difficult to feel happy even though nothing extremely bad happened. I started wondering more. Often there were no straight answers to my questions, so I tried looking for them through people about these experiences. Talked to some friends but most of them questioned back if something had happened, why am I questioning life. Life is life. No matter how you question and look at it you still got to live it, be responsible and get through it. Asking me not to think so much, there's no point in doing so, some things just do not have answers. 

There's nothing bad/wrong with being aware. Regardless of what people say, I think thinking shapes me. I am aware I exist. I am my own person. I have control. I'm not saying that one should constantly be in deep thoughts 24/7, but thinking should not be discouraged. Questioning yourself is just as good as checking if you are alive. Telling someone not to be aware of their inner thoughts is almost as good as asking them to touch something but not to feel it. 

I'm not saying that thinking made me happier. It actually got me more depress than less, but I'm not sure if I would rather be ignorantly happy. And someone told me being depress is not such a bad thing because sometimes it makes you a better person. I agree, as long as you are strong enough to turn that energy around.